Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Memorial - Three Months - June 21st, 2011

When Xander died I vowed to him and myself that I would honor his life every month on the 21st for the first year.

The first month there was this. Which I cherish to this day and I anticipate I will for the rest of my life. It is so beautiful and the meaning behind it is invaluable. A family honoring their son by writing my son's name in the sand on a gorgeous beach in a part of the world that I can only dream to visit some day. Xander has a piece of that beach until I can get there myself.

On May 21st we visited the Angel of Hope statue in Maple Grove. Our visit was brief because storms were moving in. We had enough time to take a few pictures and read the pavers that have been donated in memory of lost children. There were dried flowers with notes still lingering from the recent Walk to Remember that was held there. As the storm moved in so did the tears. It was a strange parallel of events. It's hard to explain, but we find comfort and inspiration in all the beautiful things families have done before us when they lost a child, but it is not a club that any of us should have to be a part of.

On Sunday, June 5th we had a memorial service for Xander. It was so comforting to have many loved ones with us. The service was simple and lovely. Pastor Bill spoke about the difference between the circumstantial Will of God, the intentional Will of God an the ultimate Will of God. It was very thought provoking. We feel so blessed the he took time out of his schedule to help us memorialize Xander. Our friend Erik read the lyrics to "Held" by Natalie Grant. He said he and Becca think of us when they hear it. My friend Jillian introduced me to it years ago, yet now it holds a completely different meaning. You can watch the video and read the lyrics here. Christos' cousin, Elias, shared a prayer that he and Sarah read when they were going through a difficult time. It was beautiful and we're honored that they shared it with us. I'm glad he incorporated a bit of the Greek Orthodox faith into the service. After the service we wept in each others arms and felt the warmth of supportive hands on our backs. That was a comforting moment for us.

For those of you who went home with Forget-Me-Not seeds, if you end up planting them and in turn they actually bloom, please remember to send us a picture so we can add it to Xander's memory album.

Each month I light this candle and say a prayer. The candle holder is a symbol of beauty but also of loss. When I found it a few days after Xander was born, I new it would be a perfect way to honor him. The open space in the mother's womb really spoke to me. Losing a pregnancy after I'd already felt him move and my belly had started to swell has left a major void in my life. I really miss being pregnant. When I look at it I see a peaceful mother holding something beautiful. Every time I look at it I'm reminded of him and the short time we had together.

How are we doing?

Such a simple question that we frequently get asked. There isn't a simple answer. CT has been a major distraction and that is what forced us to get back into a routine so quickly. We function on a daily basis. We get out of bed, go to work and enjoy every day we get together as family. There are still moments when something will catch us off guard and throw our emotions into a tailspin. On the outside we look normal, but we have been forever changed by Xander's passing. There is a void in our heart that can never be filled. It can't be filled by another child, a material item or life experience. We are doing well, considering the the circumstance. We live each day reminding ourselves how lucky we are to have each other, CT and the pups.

For those of you who have sent cards, flowers, and trinkets, Thank you. They have been a reminder of how supported and loved we are.


  1. What a beautiful post and I think the candleholder is such a nice remberance. Thinking of you and your family and wishing you peace.

  2. Your journal entry brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry we couldn't be with you at the memorial. I think about you always.