NIAW Question Answered

In keeping with the NIAW theme, below is an Q&A for one inquiry that I received.

Q: Has adoption ever entered the conversation?

A: The short answer is Yes. However, we will not be actively pursuing adoption any time soon if ever.

We talked about adoption before I got pregnant with CT. It was one of the many family building options we were faced with. Adoption is not a resolution to infertility, it is an option for family building. At that time we decided that we wanted to try as much as possible to have a biological child.

Now that we've dealt (are dealing) with a pre-term loss, adding to our family and how we do so must be carefully considered. I have read a fair share of adoption blogs. Some of the things you'll read here were found during my research and reflection on the topic of adoption.

Adoption is not a decision to be taken lightly. There are still hurdles in the grief process we'd need to surpass before proceeding with adoption. I'd have to grieve the loss never being pregnant again and and the loss of not having another biological child. It would be incredibly unfair for us to adopt if we haven't prepared ourselves for it beforehand by going through the stages of grief. It would be unfair to not only to us, CT and Xander but also to the child that we would adopt. We MAY never be able to fully attach to that child because we would always be wishing it had your eyes or nose or hair or laugh. So, as you can see, people in our shoes cannot simply just adopt. We'd have to be ready and willing and 100% invested in order to adopt.

We'd have to take classes, put our entire life on paper and open ourselves up for someone else to decide if we are suitable to be a parent.

Adoptive parents must complete a home study which includes home visits, interviews and extensive background checks which are required by both the state and their adoption agency. There is also no crystal ball in adoption that can predict the amount of time the process will take. The matching process can be lengthy, and the entire process can take years.

There are expensive ways, and there are less expensive ways, but in adoption, much like pregnancy, there are no guarantees. I've read that adoption, whether it be domestic or international, can cost upwards of $30,000. As you can see, it is not a decision that should be taken lightly.

We are open to adoption, but by telling us we can "always just adopt" is not only dismissive to the struggles we've endured, but it is insulting to those who have been through the adoption process. Adoption is an option I have always known was an option, but I also know I have time to pursue it because adoption doesn't depend on the age and health of my eggs, my uterus, or my body. I am focusing on one thing at a time, and right now I am not quite ready to give up the hope of being able to carry another baby to term. Possibly the saddest part of infertility and pregnancy loss is to give up these dreams, one at a time, as they no longer become attainable.

At this point, adoption is not on the table. That doesn't mean that it never will be. It means that we recognize there are steps we would need to take to get there. We'd need to grieve Xander's death and get more answers about what happened and if we should try for another baby or not.